P Nutty's World

2009-03-09T02:47:00.000-07:00

SO..... To all of my friends and family... Words CANNOT express how much I am going to miss you... Mommy and Daddy.. I'm going to miss you so much... we've been through so much but I love you so much.... You've instilled in me good values even if they don't show... I haven't lived a life that I'm proud of.... Sure people see my professional career as a dancer and brag about that but on the inside I feel that I have nothing to be proud of... I know that I've gone through a lot of stages, but it's so hard to look in the mirror and not know the person looking back at you... But now it's time to make something of myself and it's time for me to make my Savior and my parents proud... I want to live my life but I want to live it respectfully...

BESTII... I'm going to miss you and Paige... this is hurting my heart so much to write this because I know you're hurting, and I kno you don't want me to go... I love you and I believe this will be good for us... I don't know what life will be like 6 months from now, but I'll always be praying that shit turns itself around for you... You're my left hand man, so keep it safe...

LEBRON... Thank you for being my shoulder these past couple of weeks.... You've been there for me even if you didn't know it... I love you so much and I don't know whether or not it shows, but I do... I envision you in my life for a very long time and I know that I'll be back but I'm still saddened at the thought of 8 weeks let alone 6 months without you...

BABY BROTHER... o baby brother... I love you with all of my heart and I would give you the world if I could and I hate to leave you, I really do.... This hurts so much because even though we fought and still fight you're always right there whether u had a choice or not... I'm so scared to leave you... so scared... so scared that I won't be here when you need me, but I know it's about that time... Other than Baby Lew, KenJonae, Keilani, and Paige, leaving you is the hardest part . We've never been apart for longer than 2 weeks and I know this is going to be one of the hardest times in my life because you won't be there, but I know that I'm going to be alright. Please don't fall apart while I'm gone because I really don't think that I could deal with that too...

Until we meet again my loves..

2008-10-28T23:45:00.000-07:00

[Verse]

If I were a boy

Even just for a day

I’d roll outta bed in the morning

And throw on what I wanted then go

Drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls

I’d kick it with who I wanted

And I’d never get confronted for it.

Cause they’d stick up for me.

[Chorus]

If I were a boy

I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I’d be a better man.

I’d listen to her

Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

Cause he’s taken you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

[Verse]

If I were a boy I would turn off my phone

Tell everyone it’s broken

So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone

I’d put myself first

And make the rules as I go

Cause I know that she’d be faithful

Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)

[Chorus]

If I were a boy I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl I swear I’d be a better man.

I’d listen to her

Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)

Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)

And everything you had got destroyed

[Vamp1] It’s a little too late for you to come back

Say its just a mistake

Think I’d forgive you like that

If you thought I would wait for you

You thought wrong

[Male]

You know when you act like that I don't think you realize how it makes me look or feel

[Beyonce]

Act like what

Why are you so jealous It's not like I'm sleeping with the guy

[Male]

What

[Beyonce]

What

[Male]

I said yo

Why are you so jealous

It ain't like I'm sleepin with the girl

[Vamp2]

But you’re just a boy

You don’t understand

Yeah you don’t understand

How it feels to love a girl someday

You wish you were a better man

You don’t listen to her

You don’t care how it hurts

Until you lose the one you wanted

Cause you’ve taken her for granted

And everything you have got destroyed

But you’re just a boy

Ok... My turn... so my synopsis of this song is niggas are selfish... Straight up... and it sucks... The messed up part about it all is hat we know this yet we still wind up tied to a boulder sinking fast.... Dude... My new path isn't as east as it seems... It would be EASY to have some casual sex juss to relieve that itch, but it wouldn't do much good... It's VERY HARD to ignore the itch and explain to myself that I am much more than a penis receptacle... I deserved to be loved by someone who really means it and I refuse to settle for less.... I am surrounded by a world of temptation but I put my blinders on and run straight through it. I watch everybody else around me falling apart behind a nigga or his antics or the aftermath he left in his unexpected departure and I refuse to reduce myself to that yet another time... I honestly don't care that both Mikey and DeShawn are doing better than me financially because there's more to life and more to me than money... I'm trying to build a foundation in solid rock and I'm DEFINITELY not giving a nickel about how other people feel about it or me... I can deal with all of the outside drama because it's juss that... OUTSIDE drama... As long as I keep my fence around me none of that crap can even SEE me ya digg lol...

So today I was thinking about Larry and I was kinda feelin the pain that I had gotten over.. It's juss fucced up when you think about the person or situation that took your innocence... It's like I loved him with everything in me... I waited for him and I juss knew that we would married and that would be me carrying his child and it's like a deflated fairy tale every time I see him... It;s like the one fairy tale that didn't end in the princess living happily ever after..I let him force me to grow up so that I could be ready for him, and then when the time finally came her chose her.... That shit hurt, and from then on I always thought that maybe I wasn't good enough... I sat through the evolution of their ENTIRE relationship man... Like ugh.. I had to watch that shit for 6 yrs... From the juss fuckin stage to the real relationship type shit, from the breakups to the make ups... from the engagement to the pregnancy to the fuckin 22 min wedding... Man I gave him my heart like literally.... I told him that my heart, my body, and my soul was his... But it was her heart that he wanted... That shit does NOT feel good at all... It tore me apart mah nigga, I didn't know what I was supposed to do.. At that time I'd known Larry for 17 yrs.... 11 of those years I had spent being in love for him... WAITING on him to change his mind and realize that I was the one that he wanted, but the day NEVER came and it made me feel so small and insignificant... I juss couldn't understand how a man could tell me that he loves me, ask me to wait for him, tell me that we were going to get married, and then juss leave me holding my heart in my hand... Like, that shit was so irrevocable to me at the time... But that only shows how much I've grown... I can look at him without wanting to cry... I can look at her without wanting to just beat the shit out of her... I invited him into my heart, my head, and my bed and he in turn gave me nothing but heartbreak.... He scarred me for life and I didn't even know it... his decisions have affected every relationship that I was ever in because I didn't know what real love was.... Because of him I was looking for somebody to love honestly and truly and I never received what I was looking for... I wanted a man to hold me, tell me he loved me, and then SHOW me that he loved me and that shit was juss fruitless... I have forgiven Larry for all that he has done to me, but there are some things that I juss can't forget right now... I have learned that I can't stop myself from feeling what I feel so I have learned to embrace it instead... I still love him of course, but not the kind of love a woman has for a man, and while I know that I'm not missing much I sometimes can't help but wonder if he ever really loved me...

Leaving

2008-10-23T00:43:00.000-07:00

... man.... Why is it that people won't just look at this as me going away for school?? I mean, if that were what I was doing people wouldn't be so strung out over it.... I know people think I'm signing my life away but what happened to your FAITH???? I mean everyone says that you can speak his favor into existence and that's exactly what I'm doing... I have the faith to know that he's not going to put me in harms way unless that's his will... No I'm NOT placing myself in a precarious decision, I'm placing myself in a position to do GREAT things... Getting my Masters is NO LONGER IMPOSSIBLE... It is now right in my reach and I plan on reaching for it too!!! and DOING IT FOR FREE while I'm at it!!!!.... I don't think people understand how it makes me feel when they keep asking me why am I leaving them... It's like come one... I'm trying ti make a decision that's going to better me as a person and strengthen my options in life. I want to be able to make a difference in the life of those around me. I want me and my family to be well taken care of. I want to be able to go to school and not have to worry about where I'm gong to get the money to pay it back... I'm looking forward to this experience. I'm looking forward to being yelled at and ran around. I'm looking forward to finding out just what I'm made of... I'm looking forward to being able to say that I made it through... I can't wait until A-school so I can prove that I can be up there with the top 10%.... I'm looking forward to striving to be #1... I mean f course the push ups leave a whole lot to be desired but I'm ready nevertheless... I'm at a stagnant crossroads in my life and while it's going to be hard on the people who love me this is something that I need to do... I'm strong enough in my stance and in my walk to know that I can make it... This is like the opportunity to do it all over again. Man.. I mean this is a dream career. I know that everyone is worried about the war and all of that, but I'm CONFIDENT and strong in my FAITH to know that I'm NOT GOING TO WAR... I 'm CONFIDENT strong enough in my FAITH to know that I will do so well in school that I'll have my pick. I'll need to learn time management and get my priorities straight when it comes to school... I'm going to let my education come first and I can put my social life on the back burner (should be easy since I don't have one anyways)...

ANYWHO....

OVERALL... I'm excited and I'm HAPPY about my decision, so for all of you who don't want me to go, I'M SORRY (I'm kinda not but u kno what I mean). I sympathize with you bcus I know how I felt when my sis shook the spot, but I'm ready to embark on a new path in my life that will (prayerfully) take me to a GREAT place in my life.

relaxed...

2008-10-23T00:15:00.000-07:00

so... After a somewhat irritating day I'm unwinding on the computer listening to my music... I haven't re downloaded all of my music to this desktop yet so it's only the favorite on here... Tyrese's voice is just so damn calming... Just silk smooth and o so sexy and puts my mind at ease... and then Jamie Foxx puts me in such a relaxing mood... Then I have my Jay-Z to just mellow me out further. His flows are just so smooth with the right hint of hood.... Not enough hood to rile me up but just enough to out me in that controlled state ya digg?

I'm just amazed at how my situation went from impossible to working itself out... I mean it didn't work out the way I wanted it too but punishments are punishments and they're not supposed to be easy. Now instead of being able to use the money that he owes me I have to use MY money from my mutual fund at that sucks but I gotta do what I gotta do. It's juss enough to cover all of my expense, especially my warrant, my orthodontist bill, and my phone bill... Those are the foremost of the bills that need to be paid. All of the other expenses can be taken care of when my paychecks start coming in. It's like, once you let go of all of the stress and turn the situation over to the Lord then the whole knot untangles itself and you discover options that you didn't notice were there...

Once I figure out just how much I need then I can get a handle on the situation for real. Looks I might be getting my ship out date sooner than later.

So.... sometime next week I have plans to kick it with Matthew Love... I'm looking forward to this actually... Matthew is one of the people that I can truly say loves me... He's loved me for years and has waited for me through each and every mistake that I've made... What he doesn't get is I don't want to make him a mistake either... If and when we take a chance on use I want it t be right. I want my head to be in the right place and I want it to be sanctioned. He's always told me that we were meant to be together and if that is true then I DEFINITELY don't want to ruin that. I want that to be a one and only type situation, not a relationship that I can see from the beginning won't work... I mean that's why we're just chillin as friends because that's what we are... I'm way excited to see what UCLA Kappa life is like, I mean UCLA is my dream school and I'm so proud of him for making it happen for himself...

As you can see my thoughts are all over the place tonight...

EGH...

2008-10-10T13:01:00.001-07:00

This is so frustrating... I have so many words locked inside of me but I can't form them.. It's like a blockage or a damn shield around my emotions... SOMETHING WON'T LET ME TAP INTO THE WORDS IN MY HEAD. God... It's not just sentimental, I have my griefs to bear. But the soft words that can be spoken so gently makes it easier to bear... I have so many tears locked up inside of me that I just want to release, but I don't want to. I want to make a stand and say that I'll stop letting the outside world affect my mindset but it's so hard... It's hard to look at what the next person has and look at my life and see how empty it has become... I've started dancing, started becoming more involved and that helped but it starts inside of me... I'm just sad.. Sadness is the emotion that I feel most often... I'm sad about what I've become, and the bad part about it it is I don't even know what I've become... It's like looking in the mirror an don't recognizing the person looking back at you.. For you Disney fans its like Mulan.. When will my reflection show someone who I know? I'm waiting for the moment when I can spread my wings and fly... It sucks to know that my life is guided by my own decisions but by what someone has already predestined my life to be. It makes it harder to get up in the morning. Makes it harder to be motivated to make something of myself. But I refuse to roll over and die. I know that troubles only last for a season and when my breakthrough comes it will be worth the pain and suffering. I can't continue to dwell on what I don't have for I have to concentrate on what I do have. Life, family, a place to live, a church home, and friends. I have immeasurable wealth and soon I will have the happiness and joy that I seek. Things are starting to look up even if only a little bit. I'm still paying for my sins and the sins of others and I've finally come to terms with that. I'm now looking towards that light at the end of the tunnel for one day I'll walk out into the sunlight.

I'm finding love and a lighter heart. I still have a long way to go and more growing to do but to have come this far is a blessing... I may not love my life as it is, but I'm learning how to accept what is so I can make adjustments to make it better.

Those still weren't the words that I wanted to write but it's a start...

AM I? DO I? WILL YOU?

2008-10-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

Am I a woman that a man will appreciate?
Am I a woman that he will want to wake up to?
Am I the one that you will tell you love everyday?
Do I make your heart sing when you see me?
Do I put a smile on your face when I walk through the door?
Do I complete you and fulfill your every need?
Will you tell me that I am your everything?
Will you love me unconditionally?
Will you cherish me and take me seriously?
Am I the one that you wan to share your life with?
Am I worthy of being loved?
Am I the person that you can't live without?
Do I make you laugh when you feel bad?
Do I fill your head with knowledge?
Do I open your eyes to a world of unseen and beautiful things?
Will I satisfy your every need?
Will I keep you happy?
Will I give you what you need to stand by my side?

Am I your all?
Am I your everything?
AM I ENOUGH?

Standing Up On The Inside

2008-10-09T19:54:00.000-07:00

::deep breath::

OK.... So @ bible study 2 weeks ago, my Pastor gave us a handout, and the subject of the handout was standing up on the inside. That means that when we're at our lowest point and we feel like giving up we need to stand up on the inside so we can begin to stand up on the outside... Ever since that Wednesday night my mantra has been to stand up on the inside... I just went through an emotional and heart wrenching time in my life a few days ago, and I am so surprised that I'm finding the strength and courage to keep it pushing and now I realize that it's because I've been encouraging myself to stand up on the inside. I refuse to let Satan or anything he puts up against me stop me. I just saw the bank account of an ex-boyfriend and it took everything I had not to let it depress me. a $2500 deposit??? WTF??? I mean I'm not going to dwell on the wealth of the wicked because I have my own rewards coming my way. I am slowly picking up the pieces with the help of my Lord and Savior. I start work next week. Gettin on the county was a great move and my cash benefits should be coming in a about 2 weeks. I finally wrote a letter to my triflin brother and I mailed it... I'm very curious to see what the outcome is going to be... I kinda gave him some deadlines as well as telling him a little about how I'm feeling. My Mother helped me out by revising it for me and approving that I used the correct words to convey my sentiments towards him. It's not an easy process, but I'm trying to rid myself of all the things that I don't like about myself. I'm surrounded by people who love me and it feels good.

I have come to accept myself as being me. A creature that I can't change and someone who I have to accept. I'm learning to learn myself and I'm learning how to love myself unconditionally. I'm learning how to forgive myself for my past mistakes and I'm understanding that my mistakes don't have to rule my future... I'm going through a lot emotionally because what I've done IS NOT ME... I would have loved to do things differently but it's not just about me. I'm constantly praying that he have mercy on my soul because without it I don't stand a chance. I thank God for those around me. I especially thank God for my little brother Justin. We've gotten so much closer and it's only due to the maturing of his mind. He still has a LONG way to go but he's such a different person from the Justin I used to know. He has been beside me every step of the way. Holding my hand and telling me that its gonna be alright. Holding me and telling me that I'm not a horrible person, comforting me and letting me know that he supports me 100% and I am so grateful for that because back in the day he would've never understood.

I accept my experience as a life lesson and I have definitely learned from it. I know now that everything that is good to you isn't good for you and I do myself no good by sabotaging myself. I am learning to live with me, because at one point in time I couldn't stand to be alone with myself, I need to be in the company of at least one person, But slowly but surely I am changing that about myself. I learning to accept that being alone isn't always such a bad thing because you can either be your own best friend or your own worst enemy... Which one are you?

GRRRR....

2008-08-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

I NEED A DAMN JOB!!!!! I'M TIRED OF SITTING HERE DOING NOTHING!!!!

ME...

2008-08-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

I was being foolish... How could I think that I was ready to commit myself to someone else??? So eager to be held and so eager to be loved that I forgot to love myself first... I don't even know me so how can I ignore that by making a decision that I would later on regret? I don't want to hurt him but I know that I did... I know that I should've covered all bases first but shit, this shit was a sneak attack on me man... I was setting myself up for failure because I didn't want to acknowledge waht I already knew to be true... I can't expect to be loved until I learn to love myself first...

NO FEARS... NO REGRETS...

2008-08-12T00:51:00.000-07:00

NO FEARS... Fear of my future is only a hindrance to my self development... Horton got it right... no fear no regret... Everyone doubted team USA and they pulled a bronze medal out of Japan's ass and showed the world that they could do it... Well holla at it... No fears baby... I'm ready... sooo ready... I'm about to embrace a future of commitment, honor, and courage... Discipline is a necessity and who better than to learn discipline from than the originators of discipline?? Fear has held me bacc from achieving the highest of my dreams and for one I have NO FEARS... Fear of what others thought of me kept me from being me and kept me for getting all of what life was trying to hand to me... Life is handing me a first class ticcet and FOR ONCE I have NO FEAR of accepting it... I'm about to embark on a new chapter in my life and I have NO FEARS...

NO REGRETS... I've regretted damn near every decision made in my life and nine times out of ten it was because I made the decision based on somebody else' outlook and not mine, well not this time... I'm making this decision solely on what I think is best for me. I'm gonna make the BEST out of this golden opportunity... I'm looking STRAIGHT AHEAD and I see TRIUMPH in the end... God placed me on this earth for whatever reason, but sitting bacc while EVERYONE ELSE tries to figure out what that reason is isn't an option.. NO REGRETS bout my decision... Yeah... it's gonna be hard if to leave my loved ones behind for a while, but I'll regret it MUCH more if my ass stays. I would regret passing up on the opportunity to see the world at the small price of a 4 yr commitment. But shit, it's a commitment to excellence!! A commitment to strive to be the best person that I can be... But you better be certain that I'm gonna take advantage of all the Navy has to offer.... NO FEARS... NO REGRETS...

ERADICATION

2008-08-09T01:23:00.000-07:00

ERADICATION

Oh yea nigga it's about that time

ERADICATION

You got me thinkin that everything's fine

ERADICATION

You talkin shit

ERADICATION

You talking BIG shit

ERADICATION

You a pussy ass nigga

ERADICATION

You got me over here mad about you and you don't even matter

ERADICATION

Yoou straight up trippin

ERADICATION

You speakin on people in my party

ERADICATION

You got me twisted to the nth degree

ERADICATION

It's time for your MEMORY to go

ERADICATION

It's time for me to nip YOU in the bid

ERADICATION

It's time for me to clean your skeletons out of my closet

ERADICTION

Time to get your monkey off of my bacc

ERADICATION

Can't believe I let you get to me like this

ERADICATION

AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ERADICATION

Can't believe you got me actin like this

ERADICATION

You can have your shit bacc

ERADICATION

You can give me my shit bacc

ERADICATION

You are the blackhead on the surface of my life

ERADICATION

You are the epitome of sorry

ERADICATION

Time to stop sweeping you under the rug

ERADICATION

Guess what???

You've juss been

ERADICATED...

Nothing even matters...

2008-08-09T01:03:00.000-07:00

{Nothing Even Matters}

Now the skies could fall
Not even if my boss should call
The world it seems so very small'
Cause nothing even matters at all

{Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all}

See I don't need no alcohol
Your love makes me feel ten feet tall
Without it I'd go through withdrawal'
Cause nothing even matters at all

{Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters at all}

These buildings could drift out to sea
Some natural catastrophe
Still there's no place I'd rather be'
Cause nothing even matters to me
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me
You're part of my identity
I sometimes have the tendency
To look at you religiously'
Cause nothing even matters to me

{Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters to me}

Now you won't find me at no store
I have no time for manicures
With you it's never either or'
Cause nothing even matters no more

{Nothing even matters
Nothing it don't matter
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters no more}

Now my team could score
And make it to the Final Four
Just repossess my 4x4'
Cause nothing even matters no more

{Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters no more
Nothing even matters
Nothing even matters no more}

To me

Alright... what brought this on u might ask??? So I just got a bomb dropped on me... Turns out not only are Andrew and Candi getting married in November, checc this, she's PREGNANT... with what MIGHT be TWINS... Now ain't this some shit... Now wit me being his bestfriend I wanted to be thrilled, excited, and ecstatic about the situation, but there's that female inside of me that makes me wanna say FUCC ALL THAT I AINT HAPPY ABOUT A DAMN THING.... OK SOOO now what the hey... I'm not supposed to be feeling like this, but the funny part about it is he told me that he would be surprised if I didn't react how I did. How great is that? To have somebody who you can keep it real with and know that they won't take offense... It's a beautiful thing. Beautiful because he knows me so well... And it's funny because I know (and he knows) that if it were me telling him that news he would've reacted the same way. HE would've called me a jackass first then congratulated me, then called me a jackass again... EGH... I dunno... I'm happy for my Drew I am, and I'm juss sicc of seeing all the people around me gettin locced down, and I wanna be locced down too... The picture signifies my spirit when he told me that she was pregnant... Man juss shattered... Shattered because it makes it so real now... So real and that;s something you can't take bacc... The song is just one of the many songs that we share, but he told me tonight that his one request from me before I leave is to sing that song with him...
EGH...

How I feel..

2008-08-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

WHAT'S YOUR INTERPRETATION???

Shoot em up...

2008-07-31T18:08:00.000-07:00

i'm afraid i will bore you. that you won't be attracted to me. i'm afraid that you will meet someone else. that you'll decide i'm too immature. i'm afraid you've given up on life. i'm afraid its contagious. i'm afraid you don't want what i want. i'm afraid of falling in love again.

Fear is a feeling that will locc you up to the very core of your being. Fear to embrace
your touch, fear to embrace
your love, fear to fall any further because what's gonna happen when you don't catch me? Fear to let my love for you reach its highest potential because of the long fall that awaits me when you decide you can't deal. Fear because society doesn't understand, fear that people won't
approve. The picture says it all, I'm afraid to leave my bacc exposed because I'll be damned if I'm gonna get shot. My fear of falling in love with you prevents me from climbing to the top of your potential. I don't want my already crumbled heart to end up in a pile of dust and I'm scared that I don't have enough glue to put it bacc together again. Fear will have you thinking that you're not good enough but it's hard to overcome. What's worst is the knowledge that fear can rip your confidence to shreds... See... I know that you love me... I know without a doubt that the love you have for me is real....
BUT....
The fear that society isn't ready for what we have to offer
is what keeps me from loving you completely... What would I do if I came bacc and you wasn't here? What would I do if I came back and you was gone? What if they take you bacc? What if someone takes you away from me forever? Then what? Then my fears become reality and THAT I cannot fathom.
The tender way your run your hands through my hair... The tender way you look at me when you think I'm not looking... Then way you stroke my arms when you hold me... The way you reach for me when we're walking... The way you make sure I'm walking on the inside...
These are memories that remind me of the gentle giant within... But this fear of losing that is trying to hold me bacc... So here's what I'm gonna do.. I'm gonna have my 40 glocc ready and waiting so when muthafucccas start shootin I'm gonna be standing right there
shooting bacc...

This is my life...

2008-07-31T16:19:00.000-07:00

Damn... so... my Mama came home and asked me when I was leaving... So I said in October... So then she said I figured you was gonna sign up... But checc this, I was juss playin with her... She approves.. My Mama approves... Do you know that's my green light??? My green light!!!! I told 1st Petty Officer David Shaw yes... I told him yes.... I told him yes... I'm fuccin out of here... I'm so out of here... Butta I love you but I can't take this anymore... I can't live this life anymore... Depressed, struggling, contemplative, and indecisive... I can't be that Porsche' anymore... I can't live this way.. Bay.... man... u make this so hard but so easy... HARD TO LEAVE YOU but easy because when I get there it'll be easier to fend off other niggas with the thought of the real nigga I have at home waiting for me...

MAN... I feel so much better... So much more relieved... So much more confident... so much more decisive... This is something I have to do, something I need to do for myself... Something I AM DOING FOR MYSELF...

this loooong road...

2008-07-31T15:40:00.000-07:00

Here I am... fighting bacc the tears... But I'm about to lose this battle and I know it.. Why am I crying??? because shit is hard... Shit is so hard... Andrea thinks I'm strong... Strong??? Me??? shit... Yeah, I've dealt with a lot and I've dealt with it on my own, but strong? Shit... It doesn't feel like it... I really doesn't... Lemme tell you why... I'm stucc... I have a really big dilemma... To someone else it's a no brainer but to me it's something that needs much contemplation... I want to stay here for all the wrong reasons... I wanna stay here for Drea and walk the line together... I want to stay for my little brother because I can't stand to leave him here alone by himself... I wanna stay for Adrienne so I can be here when she needs me... But most of all, and foolish as you may think it is, I wanna stay for my Bay... I'm sooo scared to leave him here in this world by himself. I don't know what I would do if I came bacc from basic training and from school only to find that he was no longer here... And this is why I love him so much... When I talked to him about it he told me to treat myself, not cheat myself... MEANING that if I have the opportunity to escape from this life then take it. If I have the opportunity to get away and I want to take it then take it. He told me that he couldn't live with himself if he knew that I won't go because of him... He told me that what is meant to be will be and he'll be here when I get bacc... And even with all of those things it still hurts.. It hurts because the thought of being without the love that makes me feel so strong siccens me.. But in the midst of this hurt I feel good... I feel good becasuse he could be selfish and tell me not leave him but he's not that person... He's not that selfish... He's such a good man and he loves me... He wants so much for me and he told me to get the fucc on... he asked what I was waiting for and he told me that it better not be him... He's supporting me but all I do is think about the world I'm leaving him in... I know he dealt with it before me, but I see him so differently now... He's like a child that lashes out... No matter what he does right life just keep putting him bacc down and now I understand why he lived the life you live... This life isn't gonna give you shit, you gotta take what you want... I don't want to leave him here... I mean I know I can't take him with me (YET, bcus I'm coming bacc for him believe that) for obvious reasons but shit man...

Now... the Navy... I'm about 95% sure that I'm going to enlist. I just have to wait till I take my test next week and then I can figure out where I want to station myself for school and I have to figure out how long my schooling is gonna take. I want to up and leave EVERYTHING behind (Angie u kno I don't mean u) and this is a PERFECT opportunity to do so.. I really don't know why I'm so concerned with everybody else and what they think when this is my life... I mean... school paid for... apartment or house paid for... car paid for... and I get a salary... $25 an hour on the 1st and 15th of every month... Everybody out here trying to scratch the surface with $14 an hour (including myself) and the only person holding me bacc is myself... Fucc all the bullshit... Fucc the niggas, the money, and they drugs. I don't want none of that. All I want is an opportunity to live... To live without having to fuccin struggle... I'm tired of struggling and I don't want to move out into the world only to keep on struggling... See now the tears are falling... I'm young but I feel so old... I feel so burdened.. I feel so tired, so stressed... So fucced up... and the answer is clear... GO... GET AWAY... LIVE... LIVE LIFE... JUST LET IT ALL GO... But its so hard... It's so fuccin hard... I don't care about everybody else's disappointment... But I don't want to be alone and if I do this I have to know that I won't be... I have to know that I can still write my friends and I'll get a response... I need to know that my Bay is still gonna be here loving me... Something to keep they other niggas at bay... Something solid so when niggas approach me I can so, no thanks I got something much better waiting for me when I get bacc home... Just something... I want some assurance that's all... I just want what I can't have, and that's somebody to tell me that it's gonna be alright... To tell me that it's gonna work out... Just something sure... Something solid...

It's time to grow up... It's time to spread.. It's time to stop envying other people because of their freedom... I have an opportunity to embrace my freedom and all I can do is question it... This road is longer but from where I'm sitting I see no end... But how can I see an end until I start walking, fucc that until I start running??

for you Drea...

2008-07-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

Ok... this is for you Andrea... Bcus obviosuly you need some deeper insight. You keep saying that no one can tell you how you feel... No one can live it for you... EVERYONE keeps telling you to get over it and it's easy for us to say that because we haven't been there... So let me take you to where I've been and explain to you how I know what you're going through... I've had my heart ripped to shreds boo... shreds...

Larry Donell Bryant Jr... My first crush, my first love, and my first heartache. 5 years older than me and everything I wanted... I've known him for 18 years now. 7 more than your 11... I've been loving him since I was like 7, not knowing what it was I was feeling. But I hung around niggas for tyhe most part so I had conversations like niggas not knowing what I was saying. I wanted this boy so bad you don't even know, but the fucced up part about it is he had feelings for me too. I mean shit how could he not, I was more natural at 10 uears old than any of his 14, 15, 16, 17 yr ols girlfrineds. I was adorable, cute, long pretty hair, flexible, could dance, sang, and was just a joy to have around. Plus I was grown for my age and could keep up with the fastest conversations that all the big kids had. Shit I was an honorary big kid. But I'm still no match for my older sister who he happens to be infatuated with. She's only 3-4 yrs older than him. ANYWHO, sidebar complete, Me and my closest friends all grew up today and therefore we all knew each other... My best friend was Lil' Robert, 3 yrs older tahn me, my sis/Mommy Adrienne 4 yrs older than me, and Larry 5 yrs older than me. Larry was the ladies man of the church (S.M.H I kno ryte). He had all the fuccin girls, shit him and Adrienne got together at one point. There was Margo, Monique, Precious, Myesha, and a few more from the outside. But nobody but Adrienne knew about me. I was his little secret. His fuccin protege. See, I was 10 and he was soon to be 15 and he was already sexually active. Me on the other hand as much as I talked about it, I didn't even know what the fuck sex was. I didn't know what a dick, coochie, vagina, pussy, penis, clitoris, or any of that other shit was. So my baby told me to meet him upstairs in the caretakers room in the church so he could show me what he could do. See at 10 me and Larry was kissing, rubbin, touching, and humping ya digg so he thinking that I'm good on what I'm talking. But hell he knew better.. So I go upstairs and meet his sexy ass and we kissing and feeling and I was feeling o so special becuase this is Larry ya feel. Meanwhile my besty asked me if I knew what I was doing and I told him yes, even though I dind't know shit. So he gave my boo some condoms and I'm still totally unaware of just what the fucc is about to happen. So fast forward back to upstairs... When he finally pulls it out I'm like what the hey, and like the proverbial pund of bricks that shit hit me hard and I realized just what the fuck was about to happen. So I ran, but he caught me and told me I couldn't leave him hanging like that, forcing himself on me, but I got free and ran downstairs crying. I hid under the desk in one of the rooms and the lil ones not knowing what was going on told him where I was when he came looking for me. So he tried to drag me from under the desk but I wasn't budging. He asked me if I really didn't want to and I told him no. So he was disappointed of course but I'm happy that shit didn't go down like that. So 10 years old, and almost raped by the 15 year old love of my life... BAD??? Gets worse sweetie...

Didn't stop there... Just progressed as I got older.. So he left and moved to Vegas wit his Dad and while he was out there he met an older stripper who turned himj out into a super freak and matured his mind much faster than any other person his agae. At this time he was lile 16, 17. So when he finally moved back home he was even sexier and I was older. He came back I was 13 and 3 yrs had passed, but my love for him didn't. One night on the phone he gave me a "lesson". He told me that I couldn't be with him if I couldn't talk like I wanted to be with him. Now since that chicc turned him out he of course needed somebody that was on his level, and unfortunately I was. I was mentally more mature than most people his age, and so was he. So on the phone that night he slowly stripped me of my innocence. Here's some of the things I learned to be comfortable saying ... "pussy", "penis", "vagina", "dick", "eat my pussy", "I want to suck your dick", "I want you to fuck me", "Can I make love to you", "lick you up and down", "finger banging feels so good"... Shit like that.... I kno ryte????

Then he turned 18 and shyt went sideways.... This muthafucca got scared shitless and told me that we had to wait until I turned 18, and then he would come swoop me up and marry me... Then he met Melissa, and she always knew that I held a piece of his heart, and she knew that if I were 18 it would be me and not her. But that wasn't the case. By the time I turned 18 him and Melissa had already been together for over a year shit, maybe even two. I called HIM on MY 18th birthday and told him I was ready, and you know what he told me??? That I'd have to be comfortable with sharing him becasue now he loved Melissa too. He loved us both too much to be with just one of us. He told me that if he married me there would be room for Melissa on the side and if he married Melissa then he would always have room on the side for me. Well... he's married to Melissa now, and like I told him that night, if I couldn't have all of him then he could have none of me. He asked why couldn't I be happy with part of him, and I told him because I know I deserve better than that.

So fast forward again. I'm 18 now... maybe 19, I can't remember.... But I'm matured and fully developed and an eye catcher for him everytime he sees me and I'm still trying to prove to him why it's me he should be with and not her. They had got into it and I was here for him just like I always was whenever some shit would go down. I called him a taxi from Inglewood to my house at 2 in the morning, and that's the night he literally broke my heart. I was freshly showered, matching lacy underwear and bra. Hair curly and pinned up, looking like a doll for the man I loved and wanted to marry. We layed in the bed and he kisssed me and held me and told me how much he loved me, gets most of my clothes off sand then stopped and stared at me and told me he couldn't do it. Told me he felt too guilty getting with me because even though he loved me he was in love with Melissa and he couldn't do her like that, and worst of all he couldn't do me like that. So here I am shell shocked and heartbroken wondering why me, and the tears just start cascading down my face and there's nothing I could do to stop me. He put his arms around me and that made me cry even harder. I was drepressed for over a year. Couldn't conenctrate on much lost sleep, coulsn't eat, lost weight, I was fuccin devestated. I held every hope up high that he wou8ld come back for me and he never did.

I went to this muthafucca's weddin Drea... His wedding... The fuccin wedding that I knew we would have...I loved him with everything in me.... It took me two years after the 12 yrs we had together to get over him... That's 14 yrs total.. No it's not fuccin easy, but when you finally get tired of that sorry bastard breaking your heart you'll feel where I'm coming from. This chicc is married to him, living with him, and pregnant with his child... Do you have ANY idea how it feels??? Any fuccin idea???? It hurts so fuccin much. So much.. Obviously that wasn't measnt for me to have but for a child to love him so dearly and then have my heart broken by him at a tender age really fucced me up meantally. The reason behind all of my sexual escapades and promiscuity... He was supposed to come back for me, not marry somebody else... He was supposed to make me his fairytale bride not her. Make me some babies like he promised me we would, not her. I know it sounds like I'm not over him but I am, I could call him right now and hold a normal conversation, because I had to forgive him to move on... I just did that late last year. Forgave him and then realized that he had already moved on from me so it was time to do the same.

So you see boo, I know what u feeling... He was taken away from me for the rest of my life because I'm not fuccin wit anybody's marriage. Yeah Jerrel is behind bars but obviously this is something he's supposed to go through... I know it's still gonna take you however long it's gonna take you but I can tell you this... You'll never get over him as long as you keep holding on to him. I understand that you keep talking about your history with him, but most of that history is bad. So now it's time to reflect, let it go, and move on. I never said forget him, I never said you had to stop talking to him, but you've got to get his claws out of your back because he's gonna drag you down with him... You gotta cut your emotional attachment to this man, you gotta...

A month ago...

2008-07-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

ANDREA... BUTTA......
Met this chicc in 2005... Almost been three years... And it's been a roller coaster ride... She kno the biz so it's no need to spell it all out... Stopped talkin to her in 2006 started talking to her again in 2008 and it's like damn... Amazing what can happen over a few years... Baby girl got a baby girl and it's funny because NOBODY we know can imagine her with a baby and it's a natural reaction when it comes to her because lil mama was wild!!! I mean shit, I wasn't too nice myself but she had me beat baby... But I got so much love for my bitch because she handled her situation so much better than most young females out there in this game we call life... Sure, despite the crazy her psycho ass mama, she was WELL equipped to survive in this hoity toity world full of people her color. But still, she has struggles and situations just like everyone else, some she caused and some that sought her out and tried to knock my girl on her ass... And the situations did knock her flat on her ass, but my girl brushed that shit off got into a split, pussy popped it on a handstand, got up, kicked life in the balls and did what she had to do... She provides for lil Ms Paige, handles her business, does her job at work and does it well, goes to school, has one degree down and is working on another, pays her bills, keeps gas in the car, and food in Paige's belly.. What can you say??? No good Daddy runnin around producing babies that he can't do shit for... Mama tryna REALLY kick her when she's down... LOUSY ass ex-boyfriend/bestfriend who does nothing but
cause my left arm pain and misery, heartache and fuckin sorry. Sorry bastard needs to switch places with her and press rewind so he can see what the fuck he's done
to her over the last 11 years, fast forward back to the future and
then get him ready for this swift kick in
the asshole he's about to receive from these crackers tryna send him up the river for the rest of his life. Yeah I'm mad if you can't tell... It's amazing
the shit a nigga will do to hurt the one's that love him most. Fuckin silly...
But what's even more silly is the fact that we as women sit right up behind they
ass crying for them to do right when we see it's not gonna happen...
Silly how we can't stand up and tell a nigga not let the door hit him where the good lord split him... But, if she wanna continue to love that piece if shit Jerrel I'm gonnaa continure to be here for her through all her tears. I'm proud of my sis because she's makin it work... Yeah she still got a long way to go but she's come so fuckin far and nigga's not even realizing the biz I mean damn... When you're in her
face you see it.. Then she opens her mouth and people get the wrong impression cus she's so damn loud, but in the silence there's a fuckin genius man on some real shit... She's far from dumb and she's gonna get what she needs regardless.. She hard headed than a muthafucca, even more so than me and that's sayin something...She's sooo fuckin hard headed, so you kno that ass is soft and ready for reality to slap some act right into those muthafuccin cheeks, but she's gonna make it and she's gonna end up wit a swag so fuccin mean bitches and niggas alike gonna have to run from that shit... She taught me about heartache in friendship... Tricc had me cryin
because she was breaking my heart and that shit hurt man, but that's in the past and I'm glad that she's back in my life.

DeShawn
Now... this nigga here...This was the first real nigga friend I've had since Lil' Robert... He was introduced to me verbally by Andrea in 2005. I didn't meet truly meet him until February 2006 when a deal my girl Drea had wit a simple nigga named JJ went awry. We started speaking to each other after that because he thought I was cool people. After chillin wit him at school I saw that he was a funny ass person to be around you feel... Drea knows her history wit this nigga so no need for me to re hash... One day in the cafeteria at Trade Tech I was sittin at the table wit the homie Nate and some other people including Shawn and I was getting ready to get on the train to go home. Nate told me to hold up and he asked Shawn to ride the train wit me since he was goin that way and Shawn said cool. And he been riding wit me ever since, so you know when I got a whip my nigga was the first person I called. By this time me and Drea was on the rocks because of a million different things and me kickin it wit him just took her to a whole nther level of crazy ya digg... I was so fuckin torn mah nigg because I loved mah girl but this nigga and I had become like paper and glue ya feel. Kickin it wit him and the fam, him and the church fam, goin out, juss sittin around, it didn't matter cus we ALWAYS had fun.... Then the fuckin situation changed and I blame myself for that shit... Some feelings are better left unpursued and that was one feeling I should've left at the fuckin table. We ended up hooking up in June 06 and that shit turned to hell after the first 3 months... I mean there were some really good times and some really good moments, but the bad far outweighed the good. At the end he started giving a little of what I was asking for but by then it was too late. I was so unhappy and so unsatisfied with everything around me and he got caught up in that tidle wave of destruction. I quit my job. Kicked his sorry muthafuccin ass to the muthafuccin curb, say my goodbyes to his whacced out ass mama and jumped the muthafuccin ship before I went down with it. He took me through SO much muthafuccin shit it's ridiculous. But what was even more ridiculous is the fact that I let him take me through it... I'm gonna have to type up my journal that I kept while I was with him so ya'll can fully understand the situation (I said ya'll like more than one person reads my shit.. lol). Meanwhile back on the farm, I went through hampster wheels with this nigga, a wheel because the same shit kept happening over and over again... Let's see... PANDA, REKA, KIM, KUSH, VERS, SHAVANA, YOUNG ONE, JAZZMINE, AJA, and CHRISTINA just to name a few.. I mean I don't know what the fucc I thought was gonna happen.. Why I thought it was gonna stop i don't know but I did.. Me and this thing I have with seeing the mmuthafuccin best in people. At one point in time I was stuck living in his house for about 7 months so it wasn't really shit I could do when he fucced that bitch... I mean damn I'm laid out on the damn couch with streph throat and the fuccin flu and he takin my car to go see those raggedy big ass bitches, and I do mean RAGGEDY BIG ASS BITCHES... I mean what the fuck man...He couldn't say it was for the car or the money because I had that covered.. He was just selfish thinking with whatever part of the brain controls stupidity. Actin like his muthafuccin daddy and his tricc ass brother. Fucc bein nice, he can kiss my ass too shit. His sisters were cool though. Nessia and Midget didn't give me no grief because it's not like they don't know who I was dealing with. He has the sweetest nieces and nephews though. They're all cool wit me too and that was part of the reason I couldn't let go. I mean Quinton, Choppy, Lisha, Papa, and my Sausage. Then the cousins Myia, Sherry, and Marlon. Ramiyah, Keelan, and Kayla. Man.. I love em all. But I had to let that shit go while I still had the swag to do so. I was looking damn good when I made that shit official... Braids fresh and sexy light brown, nails fresh, eyebrows fresh, lip gloss right, and my braces making me look o so cute...and those brackish ass tears running down his sorry ass face made me feel like knoccin him the fucc out repeatedly till he cried out for forgiveness. Man I could've kicced his ass that day and I doubt he would've stoppped me... I put up wit SO muthafuccin much. I'm cooking for this nigga, ironing, washing, folding, AND fuccin and loving that nigga to sleep whenever he wanted and HE STILL DIDN'T FUCCIN GET IT??? That's what I'm tryna get my Drea to understand... I don't hate him but I'm on some shit where I don't feel SHIT when it comes to him... It's straight up INDIFFERENCE and when my girl gets there she'll get it... All this after only 2 years so imagine how good you're gonna feel after 11 lady!!! But... downside to breaking up with him is the empty feeling I get whenever I need to be held or even just looked at.. The main reason why it took me so long to end it is beacuse I really don't look forward to trying it all over again... I didn't want to feel this lonely feeling. I didn't want to feel this yearning to be completed... But he damn sure not the one to fill this void... His lil boy antics can't fill these grown man shoes I got waiting in my heart... Peace out Mr. Jamerson.

ANDREW

Man... Andrew LaTroy Mitchell Harvey... This nigga here is like my other fuckin half... The yin to my yang.. damn I wonder if he remembers telling me that... He said he wants to get that tatted on him... a ying yang to symbolize the friendship that we have. This nigga just made me feel... made me feel... made me feel... just... made me feel so fuccin BEAUTIFUL... I mean Shawn NEVER made me feel that way.. wait I take that back... Once just once, but that was only once in 2 years... The way Drew looked at me just said it all. The song he dedicated to us tells it all... "I Guess I'll See You Next Lifetime" (yes I laughed when I saw this on your blog bitch). He's only 12 days older than me but he and I are the epitome of the male and female Pisces, but that's a gift and a curse. We both give each other exactly what we need but DAYUM we rub each other the wrong fuccin way at times... That's why we can go for months without speaking and then get back on the ball like it was only yesterday that we last talked... He damn near broke me down being in that hospital. He's had issues with his kidneys for years and it's taking its toll... The last time I had seen my babe was a few months back and it certainly wasn't under these conditions. Last time I had chilled with him it was stress free and beautiful. He proved my point that just because we don't have a car doesn't mean you can't make me forget that we don't have a car by showing me a REALLY good time. He made me feel so cared for that day. Pampered me, made me feel loved, held my hand all day, told me how gorgeous I am, how sexy I am, how erotic I am, how beautiful I am, how blessed he is to have me as his best friend and soul mate (yes soul mate, soul mate can be a friend, even someone of the other sex, even a family member). Took me out to eat, took me to three different movies (Evan Almighty, I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry, and Superbad (chicka chika yea... LMFAO), shit it might've been one more movie in there iono. Bought me some shoes and kissed me all fuccin day... He deemed me his Kryptonite that day because I made him do something he's never done before... TWICE... I'm THAT fuccin good. My fuccin Superman to my KRYPTONITE... Yes baby that's exactly what it is, he wasn't lyin about that... He loves me... uncoditionally... like on some real shit... If you ask him he'll tell you yes, he loves me., and I love him too... He can calm me down with a simple sentence, make me laugh with two simple words, make me shiver with a moan or two, send tingles up my spine with a verse and then rip me apart with his hands. But that was then and this is now... Ms. Candi is becoming more and more important and I damn sure ain't the one to hate so I can bow out gracefully while still holding that spot in in his heart reserved for his bestfriend, ME of course

RAYMOND... BAY...

This man right here... This MAN right here... Man.. if he was born into a different family he would be a threat to the greats.... This 33 year old man is such a good man handed such a crappy deck of cards... Alright, Raymond aka Drop aka Baby Teardrop aka Chocolate aka Chocolate boy Wonder aka Mr Goodbar aka Bay... Raymond is my middle brother's homie from the hood. I'm not going into their history because this is about me right? RYTE... SO... the basics are they're homies and I met Raymond through my brother though not in that capacity of course... Now that I write this, I see I'm a habitual linestepper myself. Shit, too many boundaries that I didn't pay attention to in A LOT of my situations, but anywho tangent complete... I first met Raymond in April/May at my brother's shop and I didn't too much care for him... He was a smartass asshole who liked to fuck with people. But once I started to be around him more often I saw the charm behind his playing and it was cool... His conversation is cool and like I said he's funny ass fuck. Ok I didn't say it before but I just said it now so now. He's a really cool person to talk to and if you ever want to hear some great stories he's the person to go to. Anywho, he showed interest, and that interest soon turned into an infatuation, and that infuation turned into him really liking me. In all actuality I just wanted to be fucced senseless by a grown ass man and he was the perfect one to do it. I never expected to start catching those feelings that he was throwing at me and when we finally really got down to it man... that shit feels so good when it's wit a nigga who knows just how to hit that fuckin spot..oooooo dayum.... but on some other shit it's not just the physical, it's like Drea said, he fucks me with his mind, makes love with his heart, and with the love that he shows me. 33 years old and will hold my hand for the whole fuckin world to see. He took me to the Santa Monica Pier just to relax. Won me a million teddies and made me laugh over and over and over again until I couldn't laugh anymore. He makes me feel so much deeper makes me feel like the woman I know I am mentally. He sees something in me that I don't see. He sees it all and loves it all... He sees the crazy, the sexy, the adorable, and the beautiful... How good it feels to call him and hear him answer the phone with a "Hi beautiful, how are you?" Just puts a fuckin Kool-Aid grin on my face. His touches are like FIRE, searing me with every touch. He's so gentle and so fuckin sweet. caresses every fuckin part of me till I can't stand still, till I start squirming to run away from how good he makes me feel. He neglects no parts baby. He's man enough to cry with me, secure enough in his manhood and strong enough to be there for me and hold me when the tears are pouring down my face. Plants gentle kisses on my face back and neck until I fall asleep. Calls me just to say hi and he misses me. OK... That was the sugar, now here's the fuccin spice... He's a 33 year old multiple felon on parole... But that's not the significant factor because that doesn't make him who he is... The crucial shit and the ironice part about this is he's shacked up with a 42 yr old pyscho bitch... No they're not married and yes while that makes it better it doesn't make it right. No he doesn't want to be with her. She's driven him to the point of hatred and she doesn't get it that he's got one foot out the door and another on a banana peel. Everybody knows that the only reason why he won't leave is because he has no other place to go right now. He's not going back to a halfway house, and I wouldn't want him to.... He was working with my brother but his fuckin ridiculous ass drove bay away too and now bay gotta get a job... Here's where the felonies become a problem because getting a good job is hard enough for people with no record let alone a black male with multiple felonies, but he's not worried about all that, because if it's one thing he's gonna do he's gonna make it.

OK... i'M TIRED OF TYPING, I'll finish this tomorrow or something...

long time coming

2008-06-04T02:49:00.000-07:00

O got a blog for that ass.. juss give me time to write it...

......

2008-04-29T00:43:00.000-07:00

So....... I did it... the unimaginable... But I did it.. SHIT i had to... I was drowning and I felt SOOOO RELIEVED after I did it... Like something powerful brushing the weight from my shoulders.. Now I can fuckin breathe... NOw all I need to do is get it together so I can try again later...

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

2008-04-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

I NEED TO GET IT TOGETHER... SUMMER WILL BE A TIME FOR GETTING MEEE, MYSELF, AND IIIII TOGETHER...

EMPTY #2

2008-03-27T22:08:00.002-07:00

Ok.. so I’m missing my niece tough right now... I find myself wondering what she would look like... How it would have felt to hold her in my arms... T hear her cries... Too mae her smile.. Too spoil her and love her... I can’t imagine the pain, the tears, and the anguish... I can’t see myself handling it... O God... I feel like there’s a hole in me... Man, I was more attached than I realized... I’ve attached myself to Nyla Poo becuase she’s the closest that I’ll get to my precious baby... My heart breaks everytime I think about Adrienne and rubbing her belly... She thinks that she’s alone, but she’s not becuase I’m right here breaking down with her... I’ve been hit mith the baby fever and EVERYDAY I imagine myself with a baby.. Carrying, birthing, nuturing, and loving my baby with all of my heart.. I want a little girl now, and anybody that truly knows me knows how suprising that is becuase I swore that I wanted NO girls what so ever, but with all that’s been going on I feel that a little girl would complete me... Now I have to keep myself from doing something stupid because even tho I want one, I know that a baby is the FARTHEST away from being right for me right now.. But ONE DAY.. ONE SWEET DAY.. I will have my children and I will LOVE and CHERISH each and every one just the same...

EMPTY #!

2008-03-27T22:08:00.001-07:00

SO... I’m fighting this feeling but it’s so overwhelming... I can feel the depression clawing at my throat.. I feel the tears welling up behind my eyes... God I don’t know what to do... This succs... It only happens when I’m alons and feeling lonely.. But something more improatant is the divorce bullshit... I knwo2 couples going through it and bith are on the same basis,.. A CHEATIN ASS NIGGA... I don’t understand it... Don’t their vows mean ANYTHING... Well hell, obviously not... How can you stand there before God and in fron tof the woman you love and take a vow of faithfulness and then violate it because of some nonsense... I mean damn, if you wasn;t happy then why didn’t you juss say so, why didn’t you try to work on it.. But that shit is unreconcilable ESPECIALLY when they’re children involved... How could you crush a child’s life that way? I don’t understand it I really don’t... I mean that’s why I want to have boys, so I can train and teach them how to be a man, a real love, and a true husband... I’m trying to hold on to my faith in the institution of marriage.. Marriage and love is a beautiful thing tarnished by the ignorance of others...

blah blah...

2008-02-18T23:26:00.001-08:00

man... I'm trying to stya focused but man it's so hard... It's so many other determinants in life, so many damn interferences... Satan has it in for me and I know it. I mean damn, things don't start getting topsy turvy until school starts and that's how I know that there are great thngs destined for me... I mean damn I'm sittin up here trying to memorize the 206 bones in the human body along with their distinct bony markings and striations and I'm wondering if I'm gonna be able to hand;e it I know that there are other people with more obligations and issues than me, but some people are driven and sometimes I feel that I'm nowhere near motivated enough to keep it together... What's messed up is I know that that's just the depression talking but I can't stop it... Depression is dangerous man and I haven't gone to see anybody about it becuase I don't want to be on anti-depressants and I don't want to become dependent on drugs just to be free from it all, but shit, I find myslef in a fuckin depression spiral at the drop of a dime and I can't stop it no matter how hard I try... Always feeling rundown and no matter how much sleep and rest I get... stomach hurting all the time... Crying at a moments notice without warning, just wanting to give up and say fucc it.. I know that those are signs of clinical depression but I'm juss to fuccin stubborn and scared to go and get diagnosed for it... BUT.... In the mean time in between time I'll be sittin on my hands trying to figure it all out...

CONFUSION

2008-02-13T10:29:00.000-08:00

Son of a bitch... I HAD CLARITY... CLARITY.... And then what???? It was fuccin snatched wazy from me... I can't even talk about it...

Love Me Like The Last Time

2008-02-07T09:38:00.000-08:00

ooo... man... Yesterday I almost lost the person the matters to me the most. I was at work and I waas waiting on my baby to show up and I called him just to tell him something random. His brother answered the phone and told me that My baby was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital... Right away the tears came because I was so crushed... I asked him what happened and he told me that they had gotten into a car accident and he lost all feeling from the neck down becuase he took the brunt of the accident to his back and right side of his face... So of course I hung up the phone got my shit and left work... caught two buses and walked some odd amount of blocks to Centinela Hospital... Crying the whole time because I don't know what I would do without him... I mean what's the worst thing you could imagine man?? For me it was just that, getting a phone call like that and nobody knowing exactly what's wrong with him. So I get there and I'm waiting in the ER line forever when a security guard finally helps me out. So he gets me in and I go in to see him and I see him stretched out and strapped onto a body board with a neck brace on and his face was in pain and I felt my heart breaking... He'll be fine but in the meantime he's in a lot of pain... I don't really have the time to finish this blog right now, so just know that I'll be back to finish... Man... just love your loved ones like it's the last time man.... Love them like you'll never see them again.. Alicia Keys' song is so beautiful and so true...

16 WEEKS

2008-02-03T22:23:00.001-08:00

SOOOOOO... School starts TOMORROW... Semi-excited I am... Love to see what's in store for me on the first day... Man two guaranteed A's or maybe one A and 2 B's... we'll see now won't we???

::SIGHING:

2008-01-31T12:38:00.000-08:00

Man... This whole Breana thing is trippin me up...I'm trying to let go of it, but it's soo frustrating... She makes mad yeah, but I'm really just disappointed in the fact that he didn't say ANYTHING to her... at all... didn't even get on herfor disrespecting both him and me... it's fucced...You feel me... She told him that "for as long as he's with me they can't be cool".. I mean that's fucced...

AAAAAGGGGGHHH!!!!

2008-01-26T21:59:00.000-08:00

AGHHHHHHHH... ARRRRRRGGGGGGG..... AHHHHHHHHHHH... AGHHHH.... ::SCREAMING::

FUCCIN ASS... I had a wonderful morning... a great fuccin day, but then ONE MUTHAFUCCIN PERSON... ONE FUCCIN PERSON... This bitch BREANA... Or however the fucc you spell her name... oooo I fuccin DESPISE this bitch.. yea you know who the fucc I'm talking about... AAAAAAGGGHHHHH.... Fuccman.. She fuccin ruined my ENTIRE evening... man maybe I let her ruin it, whatever I don't give a shit, the common denominator is HER!!!!!!!!!!

Calm Before The Storm

2008-01-26T12:13:00.000-08:00

Man... This is such a BEAUTIFUL morning... I mean, so beautiful... Sad to know that there's gonna be a thunderstorm later on today.. Makes me think about the saying "it's the calm before the storm" and how you can feel so great and then BOOM something happens... So I'm not taking life for granted and I'm going to enjoy the beautifulness while I can... lol...

MAN... 53 DAYS AND COUNTING!!! I'll be 21!!! And then in 54 days my ass will be in VEGAS... Tearin shit up!!!!!!! Jay-Z's club is about to be laid OUT!!!!

Singing in the rain

2008-01-24T23:53:00.000-08:00

So... I used to have a major vendetta against the rain, but lately I've been alright with it, ESPECIALLY when the music is playing... Music is so relaxing and it's just amazingly beautiful... From hip-hop, to Gospel, and R&B. Hip-hop when I'm feeling real up... Rap when I'm feeling raw... Gangsta rap when I'm feeling gangsta... Gospel when I'm feeling soulful... and R&B... man R&B... that's my love right there, songs for when I'm feeling good, songs for when I'm feeling bad, songs for when I'm hurting soo bad... Most people are so into songs because of their popularity, but me, if an R&B song doesn't speak to me with it words then it's no good... Man the passion, the love, the lust, the emotion, man I LOVE music...

PLANS

2008-01-20T21:47:00.000-08:00

So today in church, after I finally woke up (I'm sicc), my Pastor was telling us to come up to the altar and get on our knees. He said that until we lay our plans down on the altar then our plans will always fail. So, I went up there and got on my knees because man, no matter how you try to fight it, you don't control your life. I mean, your actions control whether or not He rewards us, but it's up to Him to do whatever He wants.. It's not fair, I know, but that's just the way it is. So my plan...

#1- finish school... I was planning on cutting corners, but why do that when I;m only gonna have to do it later? So, finish the rest of my nursing pre-requisites, including the transfer options so that I'll be transferring with my A.A. Transfer to a 4 year and get my B.A. That way when I'm ready to be employed I won't be starting at the bottom of the barrel...

#2- As far as employment is concerned, I haven't decided yet, but it's between a surgical nurse, plastics, a traveling nurse, or private practice. Hell, if I'm gonna do it then I gotta do it big. It's gonna take me a little while, but nothing good comes without work.

#3- We all know that nurses are in high demand, and with high demand comes good money. SOOO, with this good money I plan to save and invest, save and invest, save and invest, SAVE AND INVEST!!!! I WILL have MY OWN house, MY OWN car, MY OWN dreams... I WILL travel and see the world, hell I already have my own time share. I will not be tied down to LA. I will pay the stock market... I WILL have stocks and bonds... I WILL have an IRA, 401K, retirement plan, college fund, and life insurance. I WILL.. I WILL... I WILL...

#4 FOCUS...I have to stay focused and motivated because I get sidetracked WAY too easily... That's why I'm grateful for my Superman, because he always tells me exactly what I need to hear... Tells me what I need to hear to keep my head from spiraling out of control... I'm so grateful for God in my life because he speaks to me at just the right time... Just when I swear I'm about to just break down and give up he steps in and I'm able to put everything in perspective and I can get everything bacc on tracc.

UNDENIABLE IGNORANCE

2008-01-17T13:01:00.000-08:00

So...... bear with me, this makes me emotional... yesterday when I was at work, I looked outside and I could see this man who was clearly gay talking to one of my fellow employees and I could tell that he was coming into the store, and ADMITTEDLY I passed judgment. When he came in he came straight to me and said "What's up pussy"?? So I laughed and in my head I said "WHAT THE FUCK". So he's said that today was his birthday and he had been drinking and he had gotten himself into some shit. He said that he ahs a dick fetish and he got himself into EVEN MORE trouble. Then he said that he had just got into with some slobs around my job and he showed me the fresh blood on his hands. He told me that he was just trying to get home safely to Santa Clarita and he need money to get on the MetroLink and he wasn't trying to suck a dick for 12 dollars. So automatically I began to be skeptic. He told me that he didn't want to harrass my customers so he was asking me to try to collect a pool for him. Then he tells me that I can 1-800-COMMUTE to verify his story. So then he said something that just made his story so much more real. He said that "Sis I work at Debbie Allen's if you know where her dance academy is" so I said, yeah I know excatly where that is, I've danced there before. He said "PUSSY GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE" and I laughed... So he said, so you know Andre and Karen, so of course I said damn right. They both taught me, Ms. McDonald (Karen) was my teacher in high school, and Andre's been my teacher since I was like 6. So he said, wait, what you mean Andre was your teacher, he's like 32 and I said, I know, I've been dancing since I was 3. So he said alright Sis, where'd you start. I said Universal Dance Designs, and he yelled "WITH PAUL AND ARLENE"? and I said YES... Then we both almost cried.. WHY? Becaue Mr, Kennedy (PAUL) passed away in 2002, and he said, man I miss Paul. Then he started to name all these people that I haven't seen since I was like 13 and it brought back SOOOO many memories and it got emotional. I ended up giving him the money and the directions to get home and he hugged me and thanked me and gave me his number and told me to keep in touch...

-I learned a valuable lesson... You never know who you're going to run into... You never know just who you're passing judgment on... You never know man, you never know.. It hurt becuase after he left everybody was talking about him and it hurt deep becauseyou can't change people's state of mind...

DETERMINED

2008-01-17T12:22:00.000-08:00

OOO WEEE... Drea you right about them hatas.... Man... Take one step forward and muthafuckas ALWAYS tryna pull you back. But they must not've known that I'm a MUTHAFUCKIN SOLDIER... I gotta keep my damn head up becuase like Game said "THEY STEPPED ON MY FINGERS AND I CLIMBED RIGHT BACK TO THE TOP"... That's right Drea, tryna say that way swag aint the bizness when you KNOW that it is... Man I gotta stay on my grind otherwise I'lllose everythingthatI've worked for... I gotta dothings on my on and do it for me becuase I can't count on handouts no more... I'm building up that bank account becuase I gotta get my car... Vegas is my time and I'm gonna live it up. I'm gonna grind it out until school starts and I'm gonna stick to my guns... I gotta stay true to myself and stop letting my faith slip because God won't do for me until I do for him and I know that I can't do it on my on.

- Ay man, I'm trying to get my career on track, getting my mind focused on school. Getting my grades right and changing my work schedule to ensure that I do the best that I can because when I finally graduate I'm gonna be making it big in nursing. Gonna make sure that I create my savings plan because I will be in my OWN NEW RIDE, MY OWN HOUSE, WITH MY OWN DOUGH. God willing my marriage will come through and stability will be in my life, but until then I have to continue to work it out and pray that the rest will follow.

-I definitely have to work on keeping my convictions. I've already learned to keep my savings just that, MY SAVINGS, a no-fly zone and I'll keep it that way. I'm a bleeding heart and that's something that I can't help so my next blog will be my story of yesterday and something that truly touched my heart. I'm slowly learning how to say no becuase that's something that I have a real problem with. Alwyas trying to please EVERYONE else and I'm still not pleasing myself.

Aprehensive

2008-01-16T10:41:00.001-08:00

#!- SIGH... Last night marked the start of something new. My job's holiday party was last night at my boss's house and it was so much fun. The new part was that my baby was in attendance. WHY? Because this morning he started at my job. Interesting eh?? quite because no one can know we're together... EASY???? Hell no, everybody was asking if we was together last night and I had to keep saying "No, we're just friends". That's not too hard to believe because I AM the one who referred him. A few people know, shit, that's how I got him hired but it's kinda hard. Shyt one of my Supervisors already asked me to hook her up with him , so I have to make up something because I aint having that.

We won't actually work together until Friday, maybe Saturday, but I'm wondering what it's gonna be like. I don't want it to be a problem man... You know how nigga's get when they don't get enough space... I'm trying not to freak out but this shit is like "THREAT HANGING IN THE BALANCE" HAHAHA OK a little over exxagerant but for real, I don't know what to expect. I would love to work with him, but it's not me that I'm worried about, it's him and his freedom... I mean shit, a man's pride is everything and it had to be a blow to his pride that I got him this job but I''m am so praying that this doesn't cause a problem...

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited because I know for a fact that this is a job that won't do him dirty, and it's exactly what he needs, but is it what WE need?? I lvoe him and Iseeat as helping, butlike I said he's man and that damn pride gets in the damn way...

#2- SCHOOL... Man the Spring semester is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER and I don't know what to expect... I already know that I'm gonna have to cut my hours short at work and I don't want to because that's gonna cut my damn money short, but I'm trying to do better in school... I know I gota 3.0 for the fall semester, but I know that I can do better. I still have no clue as to what school I want to transfer to, but I've decided not to transfer until I have my Associates degree, WHICH MEANS that I have to transfer to a 4 year with a nursing school BUT most of those you have to have a 3.5 G.P.A... I don't know man. I just don't have the time to do all the necessary research. My work load for the spring isn't going to be AS stressful as the Fall, but close enough since I'm taking Anatomy and Physiology at the same time as well as Speech and DANCE (YEA FOR ME...) I'm so praying that everthing works out...

I'll finish the rest lata...

Hmmmm...

2007-12-31T17:52:00.000-08:00

Last night was cool, even though my special ed ass didn't go to bed until one even though I knew I had to be up at 4:30 in the morning. Talkin to Drea brought back to some issues man, not between us but the shyt that we were goin through with these niggas... It hurts to know that she feels that way about herself. Whoever said that being a single mother isn't hard was lyin through their teeth. I mean she told me that she put up with being disrespected bcus she felt that no one was gonna love her. So I directed her to one of my favorite jams by Mary J. called "Aint Really Love". The reason being because she says "A love that breaks you down aint really love". That line right there speaks volumes. I mean what good is a love if it causes yu more pain and sorrow than joy? Is it really love when you're ashamed to even think about it? Is it love when the tears you're crying aren't tears of joy? When you're constantly scared for you own happiness???? No it's not. Love isn't supposed to break you down, it's supposed to build you up and make you stronger than before. Love is based on mutual respect and if the RESPECT isn't there then it isn't love, it's DEPENDENCY!!! Love yourself and respect yourself and you can't accpet anything less.

tonight/early morning

2007-12-28T02:04:00.000-08:00

Man... there are a lot of things goin on right now...

#1- Mah Superman (Andrew to some and Bud to others)is in the hospital right now because of kidney failure and I'm torn up about it. It's not something that's easy to deal with. We have this unexplainable bond that no one else but my sis understands. We can talk about ANYTHING, and that's NO lie. He sings to me when I'm feeling so fucked up, and I comfort him when he's going through all of his problems. We love each other when no one else does and thta's what makes us so tight. He's therefor me when De De and I are going through, and I'm there forhim when him and Candi are going through. He's always there when I need him and I can always expect to hear some real shit from him when it's going down. He's my Superman and I'm his Kryptonite... I'm his Kryptonite because I'm the only woman who can strip him down to nighting with my words alone and get away with it, I can cuss his ass out when he's getting out of line and it'll still be all good. I'm the only one who can melt his heart with a smile and let him know that shit will be alright.He's my Superman because he never tells me what I want to hear but what I need to hear and he can make me feel like a small child or a gorgeous woman with the words he speaks. He helps me to keep everything in perspective and to keep my relationship with De De on track. He's my other half and my Pisces partner, I love him but not in that trifling way ya dig since he is my husband's cousin and bestfriend. He's told me on several occasions that I'm the bestfriend that he always needed and that I mean so much to him and the feeling is reciprocated. He's my Superman and my rock in a storm and I would give one of my kidneys to him before I see him go.

#2- Mah baby, my light, my friend... My De De is my love and I love him with all that I am. He proposed to me... Asked me to marry him... Asked me to be his wife forever and always... I'm fuccin shook... scared as hell... I'll be the first to admit that I'm fucced up in the head, but it's for a good reason. I've been through a lot of hell in my life and though I'm only 20 I've learned more life lessons then some of the old heads that Iknow... My De De has done more damage than a little bit to me but I know a lost cause when I see one and he's not one. He has a lot of growing up to do and he knows it as well that's why he's not trying to marry me before 2009. I want to go into this the right way and not rush in in a blissfull high. Tonight was so much fun, sittin up playing marathon game of Monopoly that lasted more than three hours. Layin up watchin a Shrek movie marathon... I'll be meeting his brother on lockdown on Saturday seal the deal... Travelling back and forth between here and up North... I'm not gonna lie, shit got testy and I swore we wasn't goin to make it, but we pulled through and I'm happy that I stayed to make this work... We still have a lot of work to do and I'm terrified of getting hurt again which is whyh I'm so shook. I can't believe it's been damn near 2 yrs since I met my baby and even though it caoused A LOT OF SHYT, I'm grateful for J.J. and Andrea, becuase ofthe shit that nigga pulled, Andrea ended up introducing me to my De De. Nobody, especially not us, knew that our friendship blossomed into this. I love him dearly and thank God for him because he's been a test, a blessing, a gift, and a lesson all in one. Now I get to be here for him through this trying time with Andrew and it's so hard on him. He just started a new job and he's trying to make it work, and I'm so grateful for the effort that he outs forth.

#3- My job... Man so much stupid shit is going on at my damn job I don't know what to do... Man this job is perfect because it'sflexible and works with me and my school schedule MAN... I mean the pay isn't great, but it's my job and I maintain with I need.

#4- School... Man last semester was fuccin HORRIBLE... All this damn construction on the house put a damper on my studies and made my life even more miserable, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I think that I've figuredout a way to make it work.

#5- BUTTA BABY... It feels SOOOO good to be talking to Andrea again... I mean damn that shyt was fuccin hurtin me so bad and wearing down on my heart. The way the shyt went down was fuccin crazy like Satan was doin that shyt himself personally... While I know that Satan had his hand in it, he didn't completely succeed. I know that it won't be back to the way that it was, but I'm just satisfied that we've come this far... Little Paige is so big, and so spoiled like her mama already... I've missed out on somuch, but I'm trying not to dwell too much on the past.

BUTTA

2007-12-12T23:12:00.000-08:00

Man... where to start.. OK... I know what you believe, and I don't want to start the back and forth all over again, but he was not trying to take me away from you... I needed someone and you weren't there.. you wasn't at the Tech anymore, you was working non-stop and your Mama "forbid" you from seeing me... Ari had Angel and that was it for her... GRADUATION.. Graduation was supposed to be all about the two of you but do u remember what happened??? I bought your cap and gown as a surprise and what happened? Your Mama told you that I wasn't gonna come thru for you and you bought another one... Neither your nor Ari had tickets for me but he had one set aside from jump... If it wasn't about you then why do I have a pic of you and Ari on the Space yelling up at me?? Drea it was all about you but you turned on me bcus u thought otherwise. At the park I was so confused. I didn't know I had feelings for him until that happened.... I wasn't mad at you but you couldn't see that. I was mad at him and mad at myself for being mad. You forgetting that he came over there to get me?? What about all the hurt the two of you put me through? The birthday party I planned for the two of you.. The one that she didn't show up for bcus of Angel... The one where you left me bcus Jacques finally showed up... I didn't hold that against either of you, but I got thrown away like it was nothing bcus I got with De. It wasn't supposed to happen but it did and I can't help that.. I just want to move on... I was losing everything just because I was happy and it hurt... I want to get past this and I don't want to relive that hurt and pain, I want to move on... I loved you then and I love you now... It hurts to know that I'm not a part of lil mama's life like I was supposed to be.

I remember the good times and I don't want to keep bringing up the bad.